Twelfth Night
Act IV, Scene 2
A room in Olivia’s house.
From: Edinburgh Folio
Unknown artist, circa 1903
- Enter Maria and Clown.
Maria
1 - 3- Nay, I prithee put on this gown and this beard, make him
- believe thou art Sir Topas the curate, do it quickly. I’ll
- call Sir Toby the whilst.
- Exit.
Feste
4 - 9- Well, I’ll put it on, and I will dissemble myself in’t, and
- I would I were the first that ever dissembled in such a
- gown. I am not tall enough to become the function well, nor
- lean enough to be thought a good student; but to be said an
- honest man and a good house-keeper goes as fairly as to say
- a careful man and a great scholar. The competitors enter.
- Enter Toby and Maria.
Sir Toby
10- Jove bless thee, Master Parson.
Feste
11 - 15- Bonos dies, Sir Toby: for as the old hermit of Prague, that
- never saw pen and ink, very wittily said to a niece of King
- Gorboduc, “That that is is”; so I, being Master Parson, am
- Master Parson; for what is “that” but “that,” and “is” but
- “is”?
Sir Toby
16- To him, Sir Topas.
Feste
17- What ho, I say! Peace in this prison!
Sir Toby
18- The knave counterfeits well; a good knave.
Malvolio
19- Within.
- Who calls there?
Feste
20 - 21- Sir Topas the curate, who comes to visit Malvolio the
- lunatic.
Malvolio
22- Sir Topas, Sir Topas, good Sir Topas, go to my lady.
Feste
23 - 24- Out, hyperbolical fiend! How vexest thou this man! Talkest
- thou nothing but of ladies?
Sir Toby
25- Well said, Master Parson.
Malvolio
26 - 28- Sir Topas, never was man thus wrong’d. Good Sir Topas, do
- not think I am mad; they have laid me here in hideous
- darkness.
Feste
29 - 31- Fie, thou dishonest Satan! I call thee by the most modest
- terms, for I am one of those gentle ones that will use the
- devil himself with courtesy. Say’st thou that house is dark?
Malvolio
32- As hell, Sir Topas.
Feste
33 - 35- Why, it hath bay windows transparent as barricadoes, and the
- clerestories toward the south north are as lustrous as
- ebony; and yet complainest thou of obstruction?
Malvolio
36- I am not mad, Sir Topas, I say to you this house is dark.
Feste
37 - 39- Madman, thou errest. I say there is no darkness but
- ignorance, in which thou art more puzzled than the Egyptians
- in their fog.
Malvolio
40 - 43- I say this house is as dark as ignorance, though ignorance
- were as dark as hell; and I say there was never man thus
- abus’d. I am no more mad than you are; make the trial of it
- in any constant question.
Feste
44- What is the opinion of Pythagoras concerning wild-fowl?
Malvolio
45- That the soul of our grandam might happily inhabit a bird.
Feste
46- What think’st thou of his opinion?
Malvolio
47- I think nobly of the soul, and no way approve his opinion.
Feste
48 - 51- Fare thee well. Remain thou still in darkness. Thou shalt
- hold th’ opinion of Pythagoras ere I will allow of thy wits,
- and fear to kill a woodcock lest thou dispossess the soul of
- thy grandam. Fare thee well.
Malvolio
52- Sir Topas, Sir Topas!
Sir Toby
53- My most exquisite Sir Topas!
Feste
54- Nay, I am for all waters.
Maria
55 - 56- Thou mightst have done this without thy beard and gown, he
- sees thee not.
Sir Toby
57 - 62- To him in thine own voice, and bring me word how thou
- find’st him. I would we were well rid of this knavery. If he
- may be conveniently deliver’d, I would he were, for I am now
- so far in offense with my niece that I cannot pursue with
- any safety this sport t’ the upshot. Come by and by to my
- chamber.
- Exit with Maria.
Feste
63 - 64- Sings.
- “Hey, Robin, jolly Robin,
- Tell me how thy lady does.”
They have here propertied me, keep me in darkness
W. Heath Robinson, 1908
Malvolio
65- Fool!
Feste
66- “My lady is unkind, perdie.”
Malvolio
67- Fool!
Feste
68- “Alas, why is she so?”
Malvolio
69- Fool, I say!
Feste
70 - 71- “She loves another”—
- Who calls, ha?
Malvolio
72 - 74- Good fool, as ever thou wilt deserve well at my hand, help
- me to a candle, and pen, ink, and paper. As I am a
- gentleman, I will live to be thankful to thee for’t.
Feste
75- Master Malvolio?
Malvolio
76- Ay, good fool.
Feste
77- Alas, sir, how fell you besides your five wits?
Malvolio
78 - 79- Fool, there was never man so notoriously abus’d; I am as
- well in my wits, fool, as thou art.
Feste
80 - 81- But as well! Then you are mad indeed, if you be no better in
- your wits than a fool.
Malvolio
82 - 84- They have here propertied me, keep me in darkness, send
- ministers to me, asses, and do all they can to face me out
- of my wits.
Feste
85 - 87- Advise you what you say; the minister is here.—Malvolio,
- Malvolio, thy wits the heavens restore! Endeavor thyself to
- sleep, and leave thy vain bibble babble.
Malvolio
88- Sir Topas!
Feste
89 - 91- Maintain no words with him, good fellow.—Who, I, sir? Not I,
- sir. God buy you, good Sir Topas.—Marry, amen.—I will, sir,
- I will.
Malvolio
92- Fool, fool, fool, I say!
Feste
93 - 94- Alas, sir, be patient. What say you, sir? I am shent for
- speaking to you.
Malvolio
95 - 96- Good fool, help me to some light and some paper. I tell thee
- I am as well in my wits as any man in Illyria.
Feste
97- Well-a-day that you were, sir!
Malvolio
98 - 100- By this hand, I am. Good fool, some ink, paper, and light;
- and convey what I will set down to my lady. It shall
- advantage thee more than ever the bearing of letter did.
Feste
101 - 102- I will help you to’t. But tell me true, are you not mad
- indeed, or do you but counterfeit?
Malvolio
103- Believe me I am not, I tell thee true.
Feste
104 - 105- Nay, I’ll ne’er believe a madman till I see his brains. I
- will fetch you light and paper and ink.
Malvolio
106 - 107- Fool, I’ll requite it in the highest degree. I prithee be
- gone.
Feste
108 - 119- Sings.
- I am gone, sir,
- And anon, sir,
- I’ll be with you again;
- In a trice,
- Like to the old Vice,
- Your need to sustain;
- Who with dagger of lath,
- In his rage and his wrath,
- Cries, ah, ha! To the devil;
- Like a mad lad,
- Pare thy nails, dad.
- Adieu, goodman devil.
- Exit.