Much Ado About Nothing
Act III, Scene 3
Messina. A street.
- Enter Dogberry and his compartner Verges with the Watch.
Dogberry
1- Are you good men and true?
Verges
2 - 3- Yea, or else it were pity but they should suffer salvation,
- body and soul.
Dogberry
4 - 6- Nay, that were a punishment too good for them, if they
- should have any allegiance in them, being chosen for the
- Prince’s watch.
Verges
7- Well, give them their charge, neighbor Dogberry.
Dogberry
8 - 9- First, who think you the most desartless man to be
- constable?
First Watchman
10 - 11- Hugh Oatcake, sir, or George Seacole, for they can write and
- read.
Dogberry
12 - 14- Come hither, neighbor Seacole. God hath blest you with a
- good name. To be a well-favor’d man is the gift of fortune,
- but to write and read comes by nature.
Second Watchman
15- Both which, Master Constable—
Dogberry
16 - 23- You have: I knew it would be your answer. Well, for your
- favor, sir, why, give God thanks, and make no boast of it,
- and for your writing and reading, let that appear when there
- is no need of such vanity. You are thought here to be the
- most senseless and fit man for the constable of the watch;
- therefore bear you the lantern. This is your charge: you
- shall comprehend all vagrom men; you are to bid any man
- stand, in the Prince’s name.
Second Watchman
24- How if ’a will not stand?
Dogberry
25 - 27- Why then take no note of him, but let him go, and presently
- call the rest of the watch together, and thank God you are
- rid of a knave.
Verges
28 - 29- If he will not stand when he is bidden, he is none of the
- Prince’s subjects.
Dogberry
30 - 33- True, and they are to meddle with none but the Prince’s
- subjects. You shall also make no noise in the streets; for,
- for the watch to babble and to talk, is most tolerable, and
- not to be endur’d.
Second Watchman
34 - 35- We will rather sleep than talk, we know what belongs to a
- watch.
Dogberry
36 - 39- Why, you speak like an ancient and most quiet watchman, for
- I cannot see how sleeping should offend; only have a care
- that your bills be not stol’n. Well, you are to call at all
- the alehouses, and bid those that are drunk get them to bed.
Second Watchman
40- How if they will not?
Dogberry
41 - 43- Why then let them alone till they are sober. If they make
- you not then the better answer, you may say they are not the
- men you took them for.
Second Watchman
44- Well, sir.
Dogberry
45 - 48- If you meet a thief, you may suspect him, by virtue of your
- office, to be no true man; and for such kind of men, the
- less you meddle or make with them, why, the more is for your
- honesty.
Second Watchman
49- If we know him to be a thief, shall we not lay hands on him?
Dogberry
50 - 53- Truly by your office you may, but I think they that touch
- pitch will be defil’d. The most peaceable way for you, if
- you do take a thief, is to let him show himself what he is,
- and steal out of your company.
Verges
54- You have been always call’d a merciful man, partner.
Dogberry
55 - 56- Truly, I would not hang a dog by my will, much more a man
- who hath any honesty in him.
Verges
57 - 58- If you hear a child cry in the night, you must call to the
- nurse and bid her still it.
Second Watchman
59- How if the nurse be asleep and will not hear us?
Dogberry
60 - 62- Why then depart in peace, and let the child wake her with
- crying, for the ewe that will not hear her lamb when it baes
- will never answer a calf when he bleats.
Verges
63- ’Tis very true.
Dogberry
64 - 66- This is the end of the charge: you, constable, are to
- present the Prince’s own person. If you meet the Prince in
- the night, you may stay him.
Verges
67- Nay, by’r lady, that I think ’a cannot.
Dogberry
68 - 71- Five shillings to one on’t, with any man that knows the
- statutes, he may stay him; marry, not without the Prince be
- willing, for indeed the watch ought to offend no man, and it
- is an offense to stay a man against his will.
Verges
72- By’r lady, I think it be so.
Dogberry
73 - 75- Ha, ah ha! Well, masters, good night. And there be any
- matter of weight chances, call up me. Keep your fellows’
- counsels and your own, and good night. Come, neighbor.
Second Watchman
76 - 77- Well, masters, we hear our charge. Let us go sit here upon
- the church-bench till two, and then all to bed.
Dogberry
78 - 81- One word more, honest neighbors. I pray you watch about
- Signior Leonato’s door, for the wedding being there
- tomorrow, there is a great coil tonight. Adieu! Be vigitant,
- I beseech you.
- Exeunt Dogberry and Verges.
- Enter Borachio and Conrade.
Borachio
82- What, Conrade!
Second Watchman
83- Aside.
- Peace, stir not.
Borachio
84- Conrade, I say!
Conrade
85- Here, man, I am at thy elbow.
Borachio
86 - 87- Mass, and my elbow itch’d; I thought there would a scab
- follow.
Conrade
88 - 89- I will owe thee an answer for that, and now forward with thy
- tale.
Borachio
90 - 91- Stand thee close then under this penthouse, for it drizzles
- rain, and I will, like a true drunkard, utter all to thee.
Second Watchman
92- Aside.
- Some treason, masters, yet stand close.
Borachio
93- Therefore know I have earn’d of Don John a thousand ducats.
Conrade
94- Is it possible that any villainy should be so dear?
Borachio
95 - 97- Thou shouldst rather ask if it were possible any villainy
- should be so rich; for when rich villains have need of poor
- ones, poor ones may make what price they will.
Conrade
98- I wonder at it.
Borachio
99 - 101- That shows thou art unconfirm’d. Thou knowest that the
- fashion of a doublet, or a hat, or a cloak, is nothing to a
- man.
Conrade
102- Yes, it is apparel.
Borachio
103- I mean the fashion.
Conrade
104- Yes, the fashion is the fashion.
Borachio
105 - 106- Tush, I may as well say the fool’s the fool. But seest thou
- not what a deformed thief this fashion is?
Second Watchman
107 - 109- Aside.
- I know that Deformed; ’a has been a vile thief this seven
- year; ’a goes up and down like a gentleman. I remember his
- name.
Borachio
110- Didst thou not hear somebody?
Conrade
111- No, ’twas the vane on the house.
Borachio
112 - 118- Seest thou not, I say, what a deformed thief this fashion
- is, how giddily ’a turns about all the hot-bloods between
- fourteen and five-and-thirty, sometimes fashioning them like
- Pharaoh’s soldiers in the reechy painting, sometime like god
- Bel’s priests in the old church-window, sometime like the
- shaven Hercules in the smirch’d worm-eaten tapestry, where
- his codpiece seems as massy as his club?
Conrade
119 - 122- All this I see, and I see that the fashion wears out more
- apparel than the man. But art not thou thyself giddy with
- the fashion too, that thou hast shifted out of thy tale into
- telling me of the fashion?
Borachio
123 - 129- Not so neither, but know that I have tonight woo’d Margaret,
- the Lady Hero’s gentlewoman, by the name of Hero. She leans
- me out at her mistress’ chamber-window, bids me a thousand
- times good night—I tell this tale vildly, I should first
- tell thee how the Prince, Claudio, and my master, planted
- and plac’d and possess’d by my master Don John, saw afar off
- in the orchard this amiable encounter.
Conrade
130- And thought they Margaret was Hero?
Borachio
131 - 139- Two of them did, the Prince and Claudio, but the devil my
- master knew she was Margaret; and partly by his oaths, which
- first possess’d them, partly by the dark night, which did
- deceive them, but chiefly by my villainy, which did confirm
- any slander that Don John had made, away went Claudio
- enrag’d; swore he would meet her as he was appointed next
- morning at the temple, and there, before the whole
- congregation, shame her with what he saw o’ernight, and send
- her home again without a husband.
Second Watchman
140- We charge you, in the Prince’s name, stand!
First Watchman
141 - 143- Call up the right Master Constable. We have here recover’d
- the most dangerous piece of lechery that ever was known in
- the commonwealth.
Second Watchman
144 - 145- And one Deformed is one of them; I know him, ’a wears a
- lock.
Conrade
146- Masters, masters—
Second Watchman
147- You’ll be made bring Deformed forth, I warrant you.
Conrade
148- Masters—
Second Watchman
149- Never speak, we charge you; let us obey you to go with us.
Borachio
150 - 151- We are like to prove a goodly commodity, being taken up of
- these men’s bills.
Conrade
152 - 153- A commodity in question, I warrant you. Come, we’ll obey
- you.
- Exeunt.